The Notorious Day 5

I have been told that day 5 is the inevitable “cry day” that most women experience post partum; the day when the hormonal surge eclipses the sense of relief, love and accomplishment just at the sleep deprivation sinks in and you are reduced to a blubbering mess. I’ve been warned, I’ve witnessed and yet have always been an overly optimistic skeptic as to how it would apply to myself. I believe with Toby my day 5 was manifest only by my need to change the CDs in the CD player because I was so easily moved to tears by the happy and sappy songs. This time, let me just say, was a wee bit different.

I woke up at 8am to the sound of Toby screaming for his mommy. I had had a whopping total of 45 min sleep the entire night. Mia had been cluster feeding and I couldn’t put her down and had no one to hand off to because Rob was downstairs with Toby who was vomiting with gastro. At 7am I finally handed Mia over, desperate for sleep. The 8am wake up call wasn’t what I had planned.

There is nothing worse than waking up to someone screaming for you. My mommy brain leaped into action and I bounded down the stairs where a barf-contaminated Toby lay in a heap of tears wailing for me. “DON’T TOUCH HIM!!!” Rob warned me before I’d been able to get to him. Mia was handed back to me. Protecting Mia from gastro means divvying up the parental duties- - Rob takes Toby and I take Mia.

I returned upstairs exhausted and defeated. Having to turn my back on my son who was so sick and in need of his mommy was one of the most heartbreaking things I’ve ever had to do. Taking back my other child who I continued to be completely incapable of feeding despite 12 hours of continuous breastfeeding served only to reinforce my feelings of inadequacy.

I did what I had been warned I would do on day 5; I went upstairs and cried.

The day progressed with more tears as I overheard Toby explain to his daddy very matter-of-factly that his mommy was his “bad friend’ and that I was no longer in contention for the role of “best friend” (an honour he likes to bestow on us when we are being particularly compliant with his every need…) Other highlights involved a trip to the doctors office in which Mia was found to have lost even MORE weight and I had to engage in intensive visualization exercises of various people sporting purple lingerie in order to keep myself from breaking out the day 5 tears in the waiting room.

I will spare you any further gory details. Suffice it to say that the greatest thing about day 5 was that eventually it ended and, as I had also been reassured, day 6 was a better one.

We find ourselves here today, on Mia’s “one week birthday” in much better spirits. The gastro has lifted and I’ve been able to resume my full mommy role with both children; never have I longed so much to hug and kiss my little boy and what a relief to finally be able to do that again. Mia’s weight is now moving in the right direction and we have figured out “temporary a solution” to the nights. We definitely have a lot to learn and a long road ahead of us, but I am proud to say I have joined the ranks of converted and humbled survivor of day 5.