The Christmas Experiment

People have sometimes asked me if Toby likes to play with dolls. After spitting out whatever is in my mouth, I usually manage to produce a firm “NO!” without making the questioner feel TOO badly about their utterly UBSURD question. But the other day it occurred to me that perhaps Toby doesn’t play with dolls because he has never been given the opportunity to so. He has always been so obsessed with cars, balls and hockey that there’s never even been ROOM in his playroom for a doll…

So for Christmas this year I bought him one.

She is a lovely plastic blonde with pigtails, red lips and a pink dress, which matches her hair elastics and shoes. She comes with her own diapers and a sippy cup and straw. When you lay her down her fake eyelids close shut and if you squeeze her belly she giggles. And she only cost $9.99. PERFECT.

I think, perhaps, it was the Christmas gift I was MOST excited to give to Toby.

Being true to the scientific method, I also had a few control arms: a few gifts of trucks, trains and balls, and Toby’s good friend Meredith (who loves dolls and babies) was given a truck for Christmas.

And the verdict is in…

Toby was quite excited to rip the wrapping paper off of the doll. He was also excited to see the doll. He picked her up and promptly threw her on the ground. Then he grabbed her sippy cup and straw and used the straw as a stick and the sippy cup as a puck and started a game of hockey with himself.

I pointed out to him that the baby was crying because she had been (brutally) thrown onto the floor. He paused his game to come over and stare down at her and then looked to me quizzically as if to say, “What do you want ME to do about it?” I suggested he give her a hug and rock her. “Mommy do it!” he said, pointing to the poor doll lying face down, abandoned on his imaginary hockey rink.

I picked her up and cradled her lovingly in my arms and rocked her from side to side. I then handed her off to my son.

Toby put his “hockey stick” (the straw) and “puck” (her sippy cup) down and picked her up. With one hand on her right leg and the other on her left arm he swung her from side to side without even looking down at her. I praised his feeble attempt at gentleness and suggested he give her a hug. Toby then swung her up to his shoulder and gave her a few brisk smacks on the back before dropping her again; face down on the floor, to resume his hockey game.

When we came back from our Christmas at the farm, the doll was still lying there right where he'd left her. Even her straw and sippy cup have since been usurped by the fabulous hockey stick and balls that he got from others for Christmas. A few times I’ve asked him about his doll and the answer is always the same; “Baby sleeping.”

Meredith, on the other hand, enjoyed her new truck. Apparently she just likes to sit on it.