The First Gift of Valentine's Day

I have posted before on my blog how Rob and I don’t “do” Valentine’s Day. Initially it was only Rob who was the party pooper. (Or, to put it more fairly, the more adamant about being non-commercial and segregating ourselves from our single friends blah blah blah…) I spent our first few valentines days bitter and resentful and quietly hopeful that I would eventually change him.

I spent the next few Valentine's days boastfully showering him in ]presents and cheesy cards, proving that I was the more thoughtful one…. in the hopes of leading by example.

I spent the next few Valentine's days in silent acceptance.

I seem to have forgotten the Valentine's days that followed.

And then last year he bought me bottle of wine and made me a nice dinner.

And THIS year I got…

A PRESENT.

In fairness to myself, I was not EXPECTING a Valentine’s day present (See paragraph # 1 through 6 of this email) so when Rob quietly suggested to me that I had overlooked something on my bedside table as I entered the kitchen that morning, I didn’t immediately know it was a FATAL MISTAKE to engage my present-obsessed-3-year-old in the delight of my surprise gift.

That’s why Toby was the one to open the heart shaped box that contained the most EMBARASSING pair of LINGERIE I have ever owned.

Now don’t get your knickers in a knot; it’s not what you think. You see, a few weeks ago I heard a statistic on the radio that 43% of women carry a pair of sexy lingerie in their purse “just in case”.

SERIOUSLY?!?!?

It has been a hot topic of incredulous conversation ever since. In fact, the next time you are at a dinner party or a coffee date or a business meeting that you think is going sour, just offhandedly throw that statistic in and I GUARANTEE you will garner MUCH conversation about it.

So the underwear was KIND OF a joke. At least, I HOPE it was a joke because it was the most OUTLANDISH pair of underwear I have ever seen. SO ridiculous, in fact, that I was able to tell Toby it was a SCARF that daddy had bought me and very KINDLY left me on my bedside table. (In a little heart shaped Victoria Secret Box.)

Lets just say there is a lot of “fringe” on it. And lace. And red bows. And narrow thong-like-posterior portions.

After Rob had left for the day I had a closer look at the hideous piece of absurdity that had become my first ever Valentine's day present. And I soon decided that there is really only one thing to DO when your husband tries to make a mockery of you by buying you ridiculous lingerie and then letting you open it in front of your 3 year old: WEAR IT.

At first I was a little worried that it wouldn’t fit under my jeans. It did. And I even got the zipper done up without catching one of the frolicking red bows in it.

I felt quite smug, knowing what was underneath my jeans that day. In fact, it’s the most smug I’ve ever felt on Valentines Day since I have met Rob.

Smug, smug, smug, all the way into town as I did my errands and as I talked to Rob on the phone and as we decided that the extra time we had before going for lunch would be best spent together at the gym.

Smug, smug, smug all the way to the gym…until I stepped into the change room and realized I would have to take OFF my jeans in order to put my gym clothes on, thus unveiling my now-not-so-smugly-subtle surprise.

Shit, shit, shit.

To make matters worse, a senior’s aquatics class had just ended and the YMCA change room was overrun by a large group of loud, floppy, wet octogenarians whose shocking-self-unabashedness did not bode well for my chance of subtle clothes changing.

After choosing the most discrete locker in the change room, a particularly chipper lady bounced over and took the locker next to me. She kindly smiled and said good morning to me as I smiled back through clenched teeth, thinking to myself, “I am about to traumatize you with my underwear”. And then I did.

Finally I was out of crazy land and into comfy gym attire and emerged from the change room ready to take my embarrassment out on the treadmill only to find Rob standing in exactly the same spot I’d left him in, still wearing his winter coat and boots.

??

“I forgot my gym shoes.” He said.

“Well? “ Rob asked, after observing my frozen look of disbelief. “What’s the big deal? We’ll just skip the gym and go for lunch. Go get changed!”

I will spare you the excruciating details of the embarrassment I endured, walking BACK into the change room to face the EXACT SAME GROUP OF LADIES (including the now-traumatized-chipper one who chose the locker next to mine) to now put BACK ON the embarrassing pair of thick lacy ridiculousness that was my first valentine's day present ever.

I am happy to report that today is February 17^th and I am still married.

This Valentines day I learned a valuable lesson - - even if a supposed 43% of the population is doing something, it doesn’t mean I need to do it too. Next year, I’m hoping to go back to plain and simple…