Mommy's demons

Toby was up in the middle of the night last night. We’re not really sure why - -teething? his stuffy nose? the new night light? After the second episode of crying I decided to go in and within a few seconds he was settled down in my arms.

No one enjoys the middle of the night heart racing jolt that your child’s crying awakens you with, but after what we’ve been through, being able to soothe him so easily is not taken for granted. The feel of him snuggling in my arms and almost instantly calming down to my raspy singing voice is one of the greatest gifts of motherhood.

It all takes me back to those 24 hours in the Orillia hospital where my natural momminess just didn’t do the trick. Where I paced, and rocked and kissed and shushed and yet still there was no relief to his frantic breathlessness. Where I cried and prayed that he would either turn the corner or that they – someone -- ANYONE- would intubate him to ease his suffering. It’s an odd thing to pray for in hindsight…

The memory of that is like a demon that haunts me. It lingers in the background of our happy life, ready to pounce at opportune moments; long monotonous car rides, running outside on a beautiful day, reflective moments on my own. Tonight the demon resided in my pillow, waiting for me as I lay my tired, victorious head down after successfully comforting him back to sleep; “remember the time when you couldn’t….”

My Morning Smile in 4 Acts

Act I: The wake up in which mommy wears a necklace and then regrets it

This morning was a special day for me because it was the first day I got to work in the palliative care clinic that my friend Kate and I have worked hard to get started. So today being a special day I decided to wear a necklace; just a simple one with a few pearly type things on it that matched my sweater.

Toby’s astute eyes didn’t miss a beat,

“Good morning, Toby!”

“Mommy – pretty! Necklace…BALLS!!!”

“Yes, mommy IS wearing a necklace today. These are PEARLS, though, not balls. Can you say PEARLS?”

“Balls. Toby KICK balls?”

And so we turned my necklace of lovely balls into a learning opportunity in which I taught him that it’s not nice to kick people in the neck.

Act II: Guess who’s coming to Dinner?

“Toby,” says mommy excitedly as he eats his breakfast, “Guess who’s coming for dinner tonight?”

“Emma?” he guessed without hesitation

“Nope – guess again…”

This time he thought a minute before answering, “Cookie Monster?”

I laughed a little (how can you NOT laugh at that…) but encouraged him to try ONE last guess…

He really thought hard for a minute before raising both hands in victory,

“BABY COMING!!??!”

Yes, he is STILL stuck on the baby coming.

The correct answer was Grandpa. When I told him this he broke into peals of laughter. As if the idea of GRANDPA coming to dinner was SOOO much more ridiculous than having COOKIE MONSTER show up.

ACT III: These are the people in his daycare class

After he calmed down from the hysterical suggestion of having my dad over for dinner, he started his usual musings as to the whereabouts of his daycare friends. Sometimes he asks me where they are, or sometimes he just thinks out loud to himself about them, “Hannah sleeping…” or “Owen - day care?” This morning, he seemed to realize they were all still at home. The only problem was that for some reason he added an “O” to the word home and punctuated his statements with “YA!!!” at the end. So it went something like this,

“Emily – Homo! Ya!”

“ Taylor - Homo! Ya!”

“Mikey – homo! Ya!”

And so it went on. Toby went through each and every kid in his daycare class, calling them all homos and then cheering. He sounded like a Dutch gay rights activist.

ACT IV: Watching for the Garbage Truck

Fridays mornings are somewhat easier than other mornings because it’s garbage day, so I can usually count on 2 minutes to myself as Toby stands on his stool at the window and watches excitedly for the garbage truck to come down the road.

This morning, as he waited impatiently and I tried frantically to multitask, Toby suddenly BURST into tears and JUMPED down from the stool, yelling, “BUG! BUG! BUG!”

I ran over to save him from what I assumed was going to be some large deathly tarantula, but instead found a tiny little fly that had obviously become victim to a toddler’s death grab.

As we say in palliative care, this fly was nearing the end stage of his disease; Chayne stokes breathing on my windowsill while my kid was having a conniption fit in the background. Unlike what we do in palliative care, I quickly euthanized the poor fly, cleaned up the remnants and escorted my son back to the window just in time to see the garbage truck go by.

I know I have complained before about how busy it is being a single parent in the mornings. But this morning, after having laughed and smiled repeatedly with him, I hugged and kissed my squirmy little guy goodbye and thought how absolutely wonderful my mornings with Toby are.

My Sensitive Boy

Tonight, as always, Toby didn’t want to get into the bath. Who can blame him? Every night, about an hour after he’s got us all together again, one of us has to interrupt his fun by announcing that it’s bath time. It’s a sure sign that the night is over and before you know it you’re going to be alone in your crib, waiting for the sun to rise so you can head off to daycare on your own again. Can you tell that we are knee deep in the midst of daycare guilt right now??

This time, however, the usual bath time temper tantrum was quickly followed by a novel diversion technique (implemented by Toby this time) that perhaps he wanted to pee on the potty. Rob and I always LEAP into action at the mention of “Pee! Toby! Potty!”

It seems our kid is always one step ahead of us.

He has yet to produce ANY semblance of urine on his much loved potty, but oh so enjoys the extra attention and the chance to sit naked on his very own urinal.

Realizing I’d been duped YET AGAIN into believing that I had given birth to a miraculous I-can-be-potty-trained-before-I’m-two-years-old child, I delved deep in the depths of my innovative brain to come up with an enticing transition from the non functioning potty to the inevitable bath.

“Toby!” I said in excitement, “Listen! I hear your doggies crying! They are sad because they MISS you and they are in the bath ALL ALONE”

Toby promptly let go of his beloved penis and put his hand to his ear (pretending to listen). He then LEAPED off his potty and RAN to the bathtub.

I AM A GENIUS.

That is. I THOUGHT I was a genius until I realized what EMOTIONAL TRAUMA I had just subjected my son to. Who knew he was so attuned to the emotional needs of his beloved bath doggies? Toby immediately picked up all THREE of his plastic bath doggies and HUGGED them and then proceeded to lament, “Doggy CRY…” in the saddest, brokenhearted voice I’ve heard him muster. (See video…) “Doggy SAAAAD…”

Rob and I tried our BEST to negate my emotionally destructive statement. We tired EVERYTHING; I HUGGED the dogs, I KISSED the dogs, I threw them up in the air in mock excitement; “Toby – Look! The dogs are HAPPY!” (Thank God our house isn’t bugged or we’d have people from both the dog rescue AND the insane asylum knocking at our doors)

He didn’t buy it.

About 15 minutes later when bath time was coming to a close and Toby was still going on about “doggy CRY” and “doggy sad” Rob tried a different technique.

“Toby,” he asked, “How do you know the doggies are sad?”

“Mommmy…” he cried, pointing an accusatory finger in my direction.

“But mommy says the dogs are HAPPY now! Do you think the dogs are happy?”

Toby thought about this for a minute and shook his head, “Doggy sad. Tuck tuck, doggy.”

And so we put his little washcloth over the three sad little doggies and tucked them into bed on the side of the bath tub. I then took my tired, emotionally drained little guy into the comfort of his bedroom and put HIM to bed. It’s all a learning curve, this motherhood thing. I think I’ll do it differently tomorrow night.

Toby's Trip to the Farm

This is Toby telling me about his trip to see the animals at Riverdale Farm.

He seems to have quite the knack for embellishment...I wonder where he got THAT from??

A trip to the pharmacy

I am the “pill person” of the family. And in any family in which there is an 82 year old man with multiple medical problems, it’s quite necessary to have a “pill person” who is available, on call, 24 hours day, to answer pill questions or call in emergency supplies of forgotten meds. This weekend, as my mom boarded her flight to Edmonton, I got a frantic last minute phone call. My dad had just informed her that he was out of atenolol. (Good timing, dad.) Was atenolol important? It’s the pill that controls his irregular heart rhythm and prevents him from having a heart attack. So yes, I’d say his atenolol was important. He would need a refill sometime before Saturday morning.

I arrived in Toronto at 4pm on Friday. Have you ever driven in Toronto at 4pm on Friday? Not a glowing recommendation from my end. But yet as Toby started doing running jump kicks at the china cabinet and my dad banged his cane on the floor, lamenting the fact that my mother had gone to Edmonton without him and that he hadn’t been out of the house ALL DAY LONG, the drive across Toronto to the pharmacy didn’t seem like THAT bad of an idea.

It took me a little while to gather my boys up. Dad with his cane, and his big orthopedic shoes and his wheel chair; Toby, with his feisty abhorance of foot wear and various balls, books and snacks that would be required of a potentially long car ride. I was already STARTING to wonder just how good of an idea this outing was even before we were out the door.

About halfway across Toronto, in bumper to bumper traffic my father leaned forward and asked me, “Lyssie - -where are we going?”

“To get your pills”

“Oh.”

Five minutes later he quietly remarked, “Well I don’t know where you think my pills are but THIS sure isn’t the right way to go!”

If I hadn’t been going less than 20km/hr I would have slammed on the brakes.

Now here’s a fun game- - try asking an elderly man with a poor memory which pharmacy he goes to.

At first he came out with some vague, “OH YOU know…the one with that nice pharmacist with the glasses.” When asked for more specifics he confidently announced that the pharmacy was not, in fact, ON a street. Or at least, the street didn’t have a name.

Dad – this is TORONTO. EVERY street has a name.

Well, this one street that contained HIS Pharmacy DIDN’T.

Luckily I continued to drive because I was half way there and my dad’s credibility was murky at best. When finally we arrived at the pharmacy I THOUGHT he used, my dad perked up.

“OH…I know where we are, now!” (I pointed out to him that the street DID have a name – for next time). As we unloaded my dad, his cane, the wheelchair, the kid, the shoes he had kicked off and the waiting-in-line-at-the-pharmacy snacks, books and activities that he required, my dad congratulated me on having FOUND his pharmacy.

He casually asked what we were getting and I told him it was for his atenolol.

“Well, that’s very interesting that they have them for you,” he thought outloud, “Usually I have to call in advance…”

No, there is STILL no baby coming...

Bedtime with Tina went off without a hitch last night, but this morning when I poked my head in he was already in position, standing at the end of his crib with his hands in the air asking, “BABY COMING?”

You can’t put ANYTHING past this kid. Who knew he loved babies so much and so desperately wanted one to come to our house?

I THOUGHT he was over it when he started throwing his cereal around and asking his usual questions as to the whereabouts of Fiddie and Papa at breakfast. We made a phone call to Grandma to ask, but as soon as I put Toby on the phone he announced to my poor mother, “BABY COMING!”

Luckily, I was able to grab the phone from Toby and explain it to her BEFORE she’d opened the bottle of champagne in celebration - -no, I was not pregnant, I just happen to have MENTIONED the word “Babysit” to my hopelessly observant child yesterday and THIS is what I was now stuck with.

My mother very USEFULLY pointed out to me that, although she in fact BELIEVED me when I said I wasn’t pregnant based on my excessive wine consumption this past weekend, MOST people would probably NOT believe me and think it quite cute that Toby was going around announcing the arrival of a new sibling in such a loud, earnest and endearing way.

So here is my preemptive strike against the rumour mill : I am not pregnant. There IS no “baby coming” despite what my 20 month old may tell you. Sorry to disappoint.

Silly English Language

On the way home from daycare I told Toby that Tina was coming over to babysit tonight and that she would be playing with him and then putting him to bed. It’s the first time ANYONE other than a Grandma, mommy or daddy has put him to bed. We’re TESTING the waters on this, so I thought some forewarning was necessary.

He thought about this quite seriously for a little bit before starting in on the questioning, “Tina? Baby coming? Tina?”

I reiterated the fact that YES, Tina was coming but just to BABYSIT- not to BRING a baby. Again, he asked when the baby was coming.

Eventually my careful, wordy explanations gave way to, “NO BABY. There is NO BABY coming”

By the time Tina got to our house he was very excited but THREW his hands up in despair when he realized that she’d arrived empty handed.

He GOT that Tina was coming but WHERE was that BABY I’d promised???