How to Torture a Pregnant Lady

There’s an old torture technique that is used on pregnant women these days called the 2nd trimester ultrasound. Today was my lucky day.

Like all of the painful/traumatic experiences our pregnancies bring us, the 2nd trimester ultrasound’s unpleasantness quickly escaped my brain as I was introduced to my first-born, and further receded into the vault of negative pregnancy experiences as I became pregnant with my 2nd. In fact, the memory is so long forgotten that as today approached I allowed myself to grow increasingly excited to meet my new baby for the first time…

And then I drank my first 8-ounce glass of water. (I was instructed to drink FOUR of them within an hour of the test). Within five minutes, it all came flooding back.

Not the water, of course -- I’m referring to that feeling of utter and complete urgency with not hope of relief in sight that a full bladder in my situation brings. It’s akin to loading up all of your grandmother’s very best china onto your grandfather’s head and making him stand there for an hour.

Without his cane.

In a giant windstorm.

For those of you who aren’t shuddering in recollection right now, here’s the deal:

Pregnant women have trouble holding their urine because their uterus crowds out and squishes down their bladder. Add to that an ever-expanding little fetus that bounces on top of it and it’s a wonder there aren’t more pregnant women walking around with catheter bags on their hips.

Pregnant women who have already had a vaginal delivery have even MORE difficulty holding their urine because what is left of their vaginal floor muscles is similar in strength to a piece of salami.

And hence, pregnant women who have trouble holding their urine, have a thin piece of salami for what is left of their pelvic floor muscles and 32 ounces of water sitting in their bladders are not happy campers of the waiting room of the ultrasound department.

And I have one more woe to throw into this: I have allergies. Which means that every now and then when I least expect it…I sneeze.

The only thing that made this situation worse was the ever present threat that one of my patients could have, at any moment, walked into the ultrasound department and required me to engage in semi intelligent conversation while I did my desperate jiggle, AND that the tech was 20 minutes late and that finally - FINALLY - after I was taken in to the room and had my lower abdomen slathered in cold gel (I’m feeling the urge to urinate again just writing this) I was told that my bladder was TOO full. I was then given a cup and told to empty 2 cups worth from my poor shuddering bladder.

That’s like asking grandpa to remove the 4th dish from the bottom.

It is with great pride and humility that I happily announce to you that I (once again) made it through the ordeal without soiling myself, the bathroom floor OR the waiting room of the Collingwood hospital today. And I didn’t strangle the ultrasound tech, either.

And it is with even GREATER contentment that I can now write that I have a beautiful little baby in there that is growing perfectly and is healthy. And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.